I want you. I love you. You are my closest male friend right now, and one of my best friends ever. Only in this last year have I realized that you are the prototype for the men I date. The men I want. The men I love.
But none of them are you, in the end. All of them, just stand-ins. And I don't think you even knew or suspected. I guess I wasn't joking that night we watched movies at your place; that night when I said I'd date you or seduce you, if you didn't have a girlfriend then. To hear you say, "why not both?" in that cadence laced with curiosity and bravado, wrapped in that voice I find intoxicating (there's a reason we only chat and never Skype. Sure you don't think of it) - I think I flew in my dreams that night. And it was enough, then.
We make jokes now about getting together, about getting married. You suggested it last year, after we both broke up with our then-significant others, and after hearing about my family's incessant badgering to settle down. Even if in the form of a joke, I can't help but wonder if you mean it. What would it do to you, if I told you how I feel about you? How I have always felt about you, through varying degrees of friendship, lust, and now one-sided, shy love (infatuation, perhaps?) over these last 6 years?
I was so looking forward to seeing you this year. I thought it might be my chance to tell you how I felt. And then I got sick, barely a week before your arrival. Everything was cancelled. Damned sickness and ill health. I thought that it must be the Universe letting me know that it was a bad idea. Yes, yes - I am a hippie, you yuppie. And I believe that the Universe plays a role in bringing people together.
But, that's why I have been holding back from you for a while now. After my epiphany about your importance, my uncertainty about your joking "wifey" remarks, and then our travel plans falling apart, I thought it might be better for me to hold myself apart for a while. And I resigned myself to finding a new stand-in for you, and succeeded. Almost. Sadly, he doesn't do you justice. With all the radio silence going on, I think it ended before it even started.
And now while I wait to go through what might be my biggest trial yet, I find that I need to tell you, have your words to shore me up, even if they are only a joke, for they make me smile every time. And that is enough, now.
I hope I might have a chance to tell you in the coming year. And I hope you might also love me. Maybe you have, for a while? I hope.
Secretly In Love